| No, I haven't missed a thing. |
[Oct. 24th, 2008|01:11 am]
Rebecca
|
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tegan and Sara - Terrible Storm | ] |
So, it looks like I've decided to drop all of my classes this semester. Probably a stupid idea, probably a really smart one. I guess we'll see.
My pills aren't working. In one area they are (anxiety), but the one they're prescribed for (depression), they're not. And I think they have really weird side effects, like crazy ass realistic sad dreams and hallucinations.
I woke up this morning and looked at my hand. It looked weird, so I stared at it and move it around, and it looked like my fingers and thumb were moving unnaturally. So, I laid in bed for five minutes in the dark staring at my hand that was not my hand. So... either someone slipped me acid, or the pills are fucking my brain.
Tuesday night, I could not sleep. Another possible side effect. Though, I've always had trouble sleeping, so who knows. But, I laid in bed all night trying to sleep, tossing and turning, just not being able to get the sweet relief of silence and stillness. I think I was able to get about 45 minutes of sleep, though. But, as you can imagine, it was not nearly enough.
The reason I couldn't sleep was because my brain would not turn off. It kept racing and racing like it was trying to get the rabbit, but the rabbit just kept getting damned faster. I kept having unwanted thoughts of the shameful variety, as well as just random ass thoughts of life. I thought about the day I just had and days previous, and days in the far past, and days to come. I thought about work. I thought about school. I thought about the absence of love/a girlfriend. I thought about the absence of my brother/his kids. I thought about the absence of a "real" life. I thought about movies and TV and books. It seemed as if every thought imaginable was thought that night.
A few nights ago I had a dream that I went back in time. I think there was some sort of event we were going to. I was at my grandmother's house (my house) with some of my family. I think my mother and grandmother were there. Maybe some other people, but I couldn't make them out. I think we talked about something (I can't remember), but then Jennifer came through the back door. I vividly remember this. I remember her coming in with her smile radiating the room. Her glasses glinting in the light. Her black clothes new and clean. Her purse swung over her shoulder. Her hair short. Her body too thin. As soon as she entered, I quickly went toward her with a lump in my throat and grabbed her. I hugged her hard, but gentle. I held her close and kissed her cheek and then told her hair "I miss you so much." And then I cried. (As I am about to, now.) And then I woke up and realized it was a dream and cried even harder.
Last week or a couple weeks ago I had a few dreams about Junior (Christopher Junior, my brother's youngest.) and his older siblings (Krystal's other kids). The first one, Alex, Alexis and Junior were on Auntie Cry's front porch (we live in a duplex). All I remember of this dream is going to them and hugging them all.
The other dream last week was of just Junior and Alex. I think we were at Christopher's apartment, but I'm not sure. I think there were other people there, but I don't remember. I just remember playing with Alex and Junior, and we were going downstairs, and Alex fell and was crying, so I picked him up and hugged him and Junior.
And, the other day, after the Jenni dream, I finally had one about Antonio (Christopher's oldest). Again, it was on Auntie Crys's porch. My mother and I were sitting in chairs at the bottom of the steps and Tony was in Auntie Crys's chair on the porch. I forget what we were doing at first, but I remember flipping a quarter in the air, and Tony liked it, so I then flipped it to him and he laughed and picked it up. Then he flipped it back to me. Then I remember my mom trying to get him to say my name, but he was being too shy and didn't want to. He was saying other things, but I don't remember if they were intelligible or not, and then he finally said it and then I picked him up and hugged him.
And those are my family dreams.
I also had one the other night about meeting David Anders (Adam Monroe from Heroes, or Julian Sark from Alias). It's probably because I had watched the new Heroes before going to bed. Anyway, I went into some store. There was a bunch of framed art everywhere (that's all I could make out, but there was other stuff, too) and I noticed one of Adam Monroe and thought it was cool. Then I saw David Anders stocking stuff (yeah, I guess he worked there, and was selling art of himself...?) and didn't know who it was at first, but then walked over and realized it was him, so got really excited. I'm not sure what was said exactly, but it was something to the extent of "You're David Anders!" "Indeed I am." "I love you!" "Thank you." ( Heroes spoiler if not up to dateCollapse )
Anyway, the point of this entry is basically this: my medication has weird side effects. Thankfully I already have a Doctor's appointment on Monday. So I'll definitely bring all this up with him, then.
I guess I'll talk about my Wednesday.
I went to visit my brother at Garner Correctional Facility with my sister at 1pm. When we got there (an hour drive, quarter tank of gas one way) we found out we couldn't visit until six o'clock that day. Unfortunately no one told us this before, and though we had the visiting schedule, I was not aware of how to decipher it. So, naturally, we were pissed. It was to be her first time visiting. She really wanted to see him, and I wanted to see him again to tell him that Uncle Art got the job, so it's more likely he'll be able to get Chris's kids.
So, instead of waste the trip, we went to Brass Mills Center and did some shopping. I went to KB Toys because I was curious. I thought they'd all closed down. Nope. It looked the same. It made me nostalgic. I ended up buying a The Office Trivia Game. (I played it tonight with Amanda. Would be more fun with more people.) Then Carissa and I took some cute pictures in the booth. (Will scan and upload tomorrow, maybe?) Then we went looking for a backpack for her. We found one and bought it. Then we went to Barnes & Noble to look for some books. I found two of the Dexter series. Unfortunately, it's the first and third, so before I finish the first, I need to find the second.
I just started thinking of work. I think I have the chance to become Assistant Manager at the Manchester Parkade store. I keep thinking about it, because it'll be a raise and closer to home. But, at the same time, as tempting as it is, I want to stay at Vernon. I guess it's because it's familiar. I know the store. I know the movies. I know where everything is. I know our problems and faults. I know our policies. I know our customers. I know our employees. If I were to go to Parkade, I'd have to relearn everything. Another reason I think I don't want to go is after it's fixed up, I'll have nothing to do. There's always something to do at Vernon. Always some fixing and cleaning and regular work. Always. And I don't think I could handle the deadness of Parkade. I just wish Dan would transfer to Manchester, or step down to Shift Leader so I could get my rightful position.
So, as you've seen in my previous post, I've got some debt to deal with. It all seems pretty manageable. But, would be better if I had a raise. (OH! That reminds me. Adam said something about applying online for a promotion... I'm going to look into that...) Once my withdrawals are complete, I'm going to have to start paying off my student loans from Uconn. Not particularly looking for that, but the sooner the better, I guess. Instead of my previous plan of using my tax return for the credit cards, maybe I'll put it toward the loans.
I think I might get a seasonal job for a couple days a week to help with money. I should look into that soon.
I really need to clean my room. I should do that soon, too. Now that I have some extra time. I need a bookshelf for my books and DVDs, and some new CD shelves.
I need to start walking again. That's another good thing that would come of working at the Parkade... I miss walking to work and listening to music. I haven't worn headphones in... probably over a year?
I think I need a Hitch. Or someone/something to tell me how to meet/get girls. It's really tough. Especially when I spend all my time at work or home. I just don't know where to go, really. Or what to do, or how to talk. I don't know. I'm just really oblivious when it comes to that sort of stuff. I wish a girl would just come out and tell me exactly what to do. But I know that's not going to happen. I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing until the time is right?
Junior's so fucking cute. I should upload the pictures my mom gave me of the kids.
And, on that note, my brain is pretty empty, now. I think that's everything. But, I bet it'll find more things to think about when my head hits the pillow.
Toodles. |
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anxious
blank
hopeful
exhausted
cynical
grumpy
bored
hot
depressed