Rebecca (justa_paperbag) wrote,

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Wanna Go For Another Walk?

Seeing your face brings back the way it felt when we were close. (Yeah, we weren't even that close, but I like to romanticize.)

Nostalgia takes me back, has me relive it again. Sometimes I see only the good. Sometimes only the bad. Sometimes I see it all.

Lately, it's only been the good times. Whenever I see your picture, or read your name, time shifts 7 years earlier. Jesus Christ. It's been fucking seven years, already. I can still see you there, walking with me. I can still remember my adrenaline pumping because you were talking to me. I remember the nice things you said to me. I remember wanting to lean down and kiss you. Or at least hold you or your hand. Of course, I never did. I never had the guts, unless it was through a computer screen. I always dump my feelings out into cyber space. It seems safer, but it's not. It's less personal. Less of a chance to be taken seriously. Up close and personal is what I need. But, when I'm that close, all I can think of is not wanting to lose it. The closeness.

Back then, I was too creepy, too weird. I guess I still am. Romanticizing something that never really happened. Something that wasn't really there. That's what I always do. I don't know any other way. All I know is how to let the words flow from my mind, through my fingers, to the keys and onto the screen. I hardly filter myself, because I like to be open and honest. I like for people to know how I feel. But, I guess most times I let them know too much, too soon. I'm impatient in some ways.

I get scared of rejection, so I guess I figure if you're going to reject me later anyway, why not just get it over with now. It's easier to say, "Hey, I like you" online and get the immediate "I don’t like you," then it is to wait all that time. It's easier for me to sabotage something before it's even gotten a chance to become something. If I fuck it up by coming on too strong, I guess it's kind of better than me waiting and doing everything right and perfect and still having you say, "No thanks."

So, back then, I came on too strong. I wrote poetry about you and love. I didn't even know what love was. I still don't, really. I've never experienced it. I don't let myself get that far. Even knowing that I came on too strong, that's still how I am. When I think a girl is pretty or awesome, I get infatuated. I let her know. And when we seem to get to a place where we're comfortable talking with each other, I drop bombs like love poems or saying lame things like "I like you" and it all goes away.

I've probably lost some (what could be meaningful) friendships by coming on too strong, too fast, too weird, too creepy. Sure, I have them as friends on Facebook and occasionally comment on their stuff, but that doesn't really mean anything. Most of my interactions with people are through the internet. I hardly hang out with anyone. I still haven't quite figured out the whole social interaction thing. It's hard for me to talk to someone in person, because I'm always afraid I'll say the wrong thing. The great thing about talking to someone online is I get to think about what I want to say before I hit send. I get to read the words in my head and hear if they sound stupid. And even then, sometimes I let them go. I'm debating whether or not I should post this online.

Mindy told me the other night that I need to "RELAX, DUDE." And, she's right. I put too much thought and worry into everything. Always thinking if people will like me. Always wondering if I said something wrong. Always thinking of the right words to say. By the time I think of it, they're already talking about something else. I'm too caught up in my own head, it's hard to live, sometimes. To actually interact with someone. And just go with the flow.

It's not the end of the world if someone doesn't like me. And, most of the time, people probably wouldn't not like me. So, what do I really have to lose?

And, sure, I say stuff like that now, but what about when I meet someone new, or even hang out with someone I already know? At that point, will I remember back to this and think "Okay, I'll relax. I don't have anything to prove. I'll just be myself and talk with this person. I can do that." No. I'll be worried my hair is sticking up, or my fly is down. I'll be worried she'll catch me staring at her tits. I'll be worried I sound boring. I'll be worried she/they think I'm stupid. I'll be worried about what I do with my hands. I'll be worried about how I keep shifting in my seat (I CAN'T FUCKING SIT STILL, EVER). I'll be worried about what I said, what I'm saying and what I will say. How can I stop that? How can I relax? How can I interact with another human being?

And, why do you have to have such a beautiful smile? And, why can't I not be creepy while expressing that?

I think I'm just innately creepy. Maybe there's nothing I can do to change that. Who knows?

Wanna go for another walk?

(I was thinking about tagging you. But, you probably already know who you are. Sorry.)
Tags: nostalgia, social anxiety, social awkardness, the past
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