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Rebecca

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A Long December. [Dec. 26th, 2008|01:42 pm]
Rebecca
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Counting Crows - A Long December | Powered by Last.fm]

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Oh the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would
(Na na na, etc. yeah)

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California
I think you should
(Na na na, etc. yeah)

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean
I guess I should
(Na na na, etc. yeah)

----

So, went back to the program today. (I'm really anxious right now, as I was last night.)

Talked with the psychiatrist. We made a deal that I'd up the dosage of Seraquel and see how I do on that, and if I get to the point where I think I might do something, I should go to the ER or call someone or something.

He thinks it's a good idea to go to the hospital if I have a plan of killing myself, but I really don't. They're always impulsive and spur-of-the-moment things.

So, I'm going to try the medication and group therapy, though I'd love individual therapy.

Hopefully something gets done. All I have is hope.
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...When things get bad. I tell him, "son, never throw the first punch." [Dec. 24th, 2008|05:38 pm]
Rebecca
[mood |blankblank]
[music |Murder by Death - Shiola | Powered by Last.fm]

So. Life.

On Thursday night, after a stressful shift at work, I apparently tried to kill myself. I took 30 pills of Klonopin and tried to cut my wrist again.

I'm telling you this because if you're reading this you're my friend. And, if you're my friend, I believe you deserve to know what's happening in my life, especially moments like this.

I'm not completely sure why I did it. As you all probably know, I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety/Social Anxiety. I guess things just got to me, hit me and knocked me over and I wasn't able to stand back up.

There's my debt, my dropping out of classes, the stressful work, the lack of friends, the lack of love, the lack of support, the car problems, the family problems, the deaths, and the depression/anxiety itself.

All of that must've combined, but instead of Captain Planet coming, the suicide attempt did.

I was in the hospital from Friday (I went to sleep after taking the pills and don't remember anything up until probably around Friday night or Saturday morning) 'til this afternoon.

I don't think the hospital helped the way it intended to. I was obviously safe from myself (though, if I really wanted to, I could've done something) and we had some therapy sessions, but I don't remember any of them. I was pretty much zonked out most of the time. But, when I wasn't, I socialized. There was my roommate and this other guy. We played cards a lot and chess and other games and just talked. It was nice. And there were a couple of girls, too. I talked with one of them about movies and stuff and she seemed pretty cool. She said she was thirty, but she looked at most 25. I think all of us are going to go to a used bookstore one of these days. I need to contact them.

I guess the doing nothing really helped me. I had no stress, no anxiety. I just woke up, ate and slept, and sometimes in between I'd socialize.

A lot of people thought I should stay there longer, but I wanted to come home. I wanted to see my nephews and niece. And I missed my bed. And the internet.

On Friday, I'm going to go back to the Partial Hospital Program (I actually started going last Thursday) and get reevaluated. If they deem it necessary, I'll be readmitted to the hospital. If not, I'll continue to go to the program. Then after the program, I'll see a therapist. I think I really need that.

I really don't like the medication. It makes me tired and out of it most of the time.

A good thing that came out of what happened is that I wrote some poetry. I'll post them in Facebook.

PS. No Heroes this week? Uggghhh. I think I have to wait 'til January. Sucks. I still love Peter.
But, Spoiler?Collapse )

I wanna have a Heroes marathon. And Lost. And Kyle XY.

I'm going to clean my room, paint it, rearrange it and make space for a chair/small couch so I can have company over. So, when that happens, I'll invite some of you over for these marathons. :)

What are you doing for Christmas?

PPS. Does anyone even read these? 'Cause (not that I'm writing just for the attention, but if it were me, I'd respond) from the last entry explaining my previous attempt, I figured I'd get at least one response of someone saying something like "aw" at least. I don't know.

I need someone to help me write. kyle.michaud@gmail.com if you want to help. Just e-mail me and say "I want to help" and we can get together and write.
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School. [Dec. 15th, 2008|02:48 am]
Rebecca
[Tags|, , , , , , , ]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |The Faint - Forever Growing Centipedes | Powered by Last.fm]

So, I registered for next semester. Only three classes.

My last semester to receive financial aid. After this, I'll have to pay. :(

I'm taking:

Quantitative Literacy: Tues/Thurs @ 2-3:20
Western Civilization I: Tues @ 7-9:50
Creative Writing: Poetry: Wed @ 7-9:50

What's awesome is I've had all these professors before. Two were the same class that I dropped before (Western Civ and Poetry).

Hopefully I can handle it this time. Western Civ should be relatively easy since I took almost 2/3 of the course last semester.

In other news, I'm seeing a psychiatrist. And, hopefully soon a therapist.

Also, the psychiatrist put me on new medication, and it must've fucked me up, 'cause I tried to kill myself. :X
I know I probably shouldn't put that in here, but I figured all my friends should know what happened.

It's nothing too bad, so I'm fine physically.

I'm going to try to go back to the Partial Hospital Intensive Outpatient Program at ECHN. I'm going tomorrow to see if my insurance will cover, or how much it'll be without it.

I recently fell in love with The Faint. I have Fasciinatiion but want all their albums.

We're doing Secret Santa at work. I already got my person their gift and know what the person who got me is getting me. Everyone knows who has who, so it's really no secret. But, it's still fun.

Oh, and apparently, late fees are coming back to Blockbuster. Well, only certain test stores (mine). I have a meeting about it tomorrow to get all the details, so I'll post them after the meeting. From what I've heard already, it's similar to Red Box and Hollywood Video's terms. Pick either 1 day for 2.99 or 5 days for 3.99 and it's .99 for each additional day and after ten days, it sells to you. And the older movies are .99 with .19 each additional day. And there are Classics that will be 1.99 and I think .99 each additional day.

Money's tight. I need to stop spending so much. And stop getting credit cards. :X I just got two more.

But, since I'm broke, I need one to fix my car.

I'm tired.

Oh! I need someone to write with me. To help edit/write my screenplay(s) and help me put it/them to film.
kyle.michaud@gmail.com or 860-906-4091

PS. RIP Jen. 07/06/1983-12/15/2002 :( <3
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I Want You So Bad - December 2, 2008 [Dec. 2nd, 2008|01:03 am]
Rebecca
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]
[music |The Used in my head]

I Want You So Bad - December 2, 2008
by Kyle Michaud

I want you so bad,
but what would I do
if I had you?
There's a first time for
everything,
and my first time is
overdue.

I'd go to you if you
couldn't come to me,
I'd call you, even
despite my fears.
I want you so bad,
I might just change
my act.

It's hard to tell you,
but it's probably
common knowledge.
But, still, it feels
like I'm standing
out on a ledge.

Just waiting, to fall
or be grabbed back to
safety.
I want you so bad,
my heart's trying to
race me.

I want you so bad,
but I don't know
how to get you.
I want you so bad,
but this is probably
too much for you.

When I feel like this,
when it gets to me this
way,
it's hard to find the
right words to say,
so, instead, I write
my words into poetry
and talk to you
anonymously.

But, I want you so bad,
I'll take my chances.
Maybe you'll like this
and we can start our
romancing.
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Try this. :) [Nov. 30th, 2008|05:04 pm]
Rebecca
1. Answer each of the questions below using the Flickr Search engine.

2. Choose a photo from the first three pages.

3. Copy the URL of your favorite photo into this site: http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php
4. Share!



1. Alone in the Cold: For Kyle, 2. Hot enough to fry an egg, 3. Case Mountain, 4. ~ Light ~, 5. Zooey Deschanel, 6. Oxbow Bend Silken Glass, 7. 'So what are you doing this Australia Day ?', 8. once bitten, 9. Fly a kite and toss your worries to the wind, 10. Love Is Light, 11. The last rose, 12. ...just a paper bag

1. Name: Kyle
2. Favorite food: Eggs
3. Hometown: Manchester, CT
4. Favorite color: Light blue
5. Celebrity crush: Zooey Deschanel
6. Favorite drink: Water
7. Dream vacation: Australia
8. Favorite dessert: Reese's
9. What I want to be when I grow up: Film maker
10. What I love most in the world: Love
11. One word that describes me: Hopeful
12. My username: just a paper bag
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workeatsleep [Nov. 23rd, 2008|10:34 pm]
Rebecca
[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |A Great Big Pile of Leaves - workeatsleep]

workeatsleep by A Great Big Pile of Leaves

Need to eat,
need to sleep, I
need to eat,
need to make money!
Work, eat, work, eat, sleep.

Well I'm doing that,
but I need to leave,
I need to read,
anything.

No time to eat,
no time to sleep, no
time to eat,
trying to make money!
Work, eat, work, eat, sleep.

But I'm tired of sleep,
in the time that I'm free.
There's no time to read,
anything.

Work, eat, sleep.
Work, eat, sleep.
Work, eat, sleep.
Work, eat, work, eat, sleep.

Early morning,
bumper car driving,
speak through cursing,
when I'm just trying to sing.

Get out of bed!
Get out of bed!
Get out of bed!
But where's the energy?
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List. [Nov. 14th, 2008|04:35 pm]
Rebecca
[mood |anxiousanxious]

Clean room.
Clean car.
Research gyms.
Walk more.
Eat less.
Eat healthy.
Buy more books.
Try not to think about girls.
Work on short film.
Find someone to collaborate with via music.
-via film.
Research second job.
Research jobs in TV/movies.
Buy Christmas presents.
Add more to list.
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Only Living Ghost - November 12, 2008 [Nov. 12th, 2008|10:02 pm]
Rebecca
[mood |cynicalcynical]

Only Living Ghost - November 12, 2008
by Kyle Michaud

Well, I'm back, again,
attacking your stomach
and harassing your brain.

Did you miss me, this time?
It's been far too long
for me to be out of your mind.

I'm the shake of your leg,
the cracks of your knuckles,
the sighs, lies and why
you always close your eyes.

I'm the chill that creeps up your spine
and the heat that burns your cheeks.
I'm the wolf among men,
no longer satisfied with sheep.

I keep you up at night, tossing and turning,
I keep your brain rolling and churning.
I'm the cold on your toes,
the only living ghost.

I haunt you and hurt you and
inflict all this pain,
but, you know that I care,
and, I swear, I'll change one day...
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Surprising Inspiration - November 12, 2008 [Nov. 12th, 2008|01:47 am]
Rebecca
[mood |anxiousanxious]

Surprising Inspiration - November 12, 2008
by Kyle Michaud

Like a crashing wave rushing over you,
sinking you to the bottom,
depriving you of air,
forcing you to suck in the salty sea,
it hits you.
Almost like you never knew it before,
it comes without warning and quickly
takes over.
No longer in control,
you cater to its needs and demands
hoping happily that it won't leave
this time.


-----------------

I had to close by myself tonight. It sucked because I didn't get everything done, and I'm pretty sure Adam will yell at me. But, sometimes I think he expects too much out of me. And, most of the time, I do, too.

Well, it looks like I'm getting promoted, soon, to Assistant Manager. I should be happier, but the raise is shitty. I should be making at least $12/hr, but the District Manager is only offering $10.87/hr. It's nice that it's higher than what I'm making now, but I should be making more.

For starters, I was hired for the wrong store, so I'm making $.50/hr less than I should be. So, if I had that at the beginning, I'd be making $9.78, now. And my raise would be $11.53. Still not what I should be making, but it's better than $10.87.

I really hope Adam's able to talk Jeff into giving me at least $12. Though, Adam says I deserve $13. (And I'm pretty sure I deserve $14. 'Cause Rob made $17. Jeanette made $15. And I think Natalie gets $14. Rob was fired, Jeanette quit before she was fired, and Natalie was transferred to a different store... I do more work than any of them ever thought of, and I'm not an idiot.)

Anyway, enough about work.

The Dexter book series is amazing. I'm almost done with Dexter in the Dark (the third book) and when I'm finished, I'm going to be impatiently waiting for Dexter by Design, which comes out next year!!!!

After I'm finished with this book, I'm gonna try to find something else to read. Erin told me Twilight is good. And Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. And Dan said His Dark Materials is a good series (Golden Compass). So, we'll see.

Anyone have any suggestions?

Since I've been reading, I haven't had the desire to watch any movies. It's weird.

Well, I could go on for days, babbling about anything and everything, but I think I'm gonna go finally watch Heroes.

Goodnight, all.
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Dreams. [Nov. 9th, 2008|04:08 pm]
Rebecca
[mood |grumpygrumpy]
[music |Thrice - So Strange I Remember You]

1. I was at my desk, looking for chapstick (I had lost it in real life) but found three that I was not looking for.

2. I think I was hiking with Ellen Page? Something like that... Maybe it was a movie? I don't know. But, we were on the side of some road in between mountains. On the other side were some other people who I can't remember. I was walking with Ellen Page and then something happened, so I ran across the road to the other people and was going to run into the woods, but Ellen ran across to me and grabbed me and hugged me and whispered, "come back. Please, I won't tell them what you did..." (I have no idea what I did...?)

3. I apparently had a girlfriend, and we were walking down Elm Street in Manchester. My arm was around her and her head was on my shoulder as we walked. (She had curly/Natalie Portman hair) Then this car was trying to turn onto the street, but hesitated. I gave them a confused look and pointed to the sidewalk. Then I noticed that I recognized the driver. He then drove down the street and parked a little way down the street. I said to my girlfriend, "Is that Samuel L. Jackson?!" and before she could answer, he got out. So did a woman whom I recognized, but couldn't place, and David Duchovny. They came over to us and said some stuff. The girl mentioned where she was from, but I can't remember. I think Samuel L. Jackson said something about how people always think celebrities hang out, and I said something along the lines of "well, ...don't you?" motioning to the other two. All throughout the bizarre meeting, I was holding my girlfriend close to me.

And... Those are the dreams I remember from last night. Fucking weird. Though, it's nice to wake up to soothing thoughts of hugging Ellen Page and an imaginary girlfriend.

I don't want to go to work. I'd rather stay home and finish Dexter in the Dark.

I went to see Max Payne last night because Brian blew me off, AGAIN. It was okay. Another video game movie I saw without ever playing the video game. Not sure, yet, how it ranks with the others... (Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Hitman, Max Payne: the only ones I can think of, right now.) Unlike the Happening, where everyone's acting was atrocious, it seemed like everyone other than Mark Walberg was bad in Max Payne.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to sit still.
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What's up? [Nov. 6th, 2008|01:26 am]
Rebecca
[Tags|]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |Ratatat - Crips]

So, I'm using my new iPhone to write this. :)

It's pretty cool.

I go to the doctor at one and will hopefully leave with an appointment for a psychiatrist.

Then at five, I'm going to bring my sister and mother to visit Chris in jail. I'll probably sit in the car and read Dexter.

How do you ask someone out on a date?

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No, I haven't missed a thing. [Oct. 24th, 2008|01:11 am]
Rebecca
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |Tegan and Sara - Terrible Storm]

So, it looks like I've decided to drop all of my classes this semester. Probably a stupid idea, probably a really smart one. I guess we'll see.

My pills aren't working. In one area they are (anxiety), but the one they're prescribed for (depression), they're not. And I think they have really weird side effects, like crazy ass realistic sad dreams and hallucinations.

I woke up this morning and looked at my hand. It looked weird, so I stared at it and move it around, and it looked like my fingers and thumb were moving unnaturally. So, I laid in bed for five minutes in the dark staring at my hand that was not my hand. So... either someone slipped me acid, or the pills are fucking my brain.

Tuesday night, I could not sleep. Another possible side effect. Though, I've always had trouble sleeping, so who knows. But, I laid in bed all night trying to sleep, tossing and turning, just not being able to get the sweet relief of silence and stillness. I think I was able to get about 45 minutes of sleep, though. But, as you can imagine, it was not nearly enough.

The reason I couldn't sleep was because my brain would not turn off. It kept racing and racing like it was trying to get the rabbit, but the rabbit just kept getting damned faster. I kept having unwanted thoughts of the shameful variety, as well as just random ass thoughts of life. I thought about the day I just had and days previous, and days in the far past, and days to come. I thought about work. I thought about school. I thought about the absence of love/a girlfriend. I thought about the absence of my brother/his kids. I thought about the absence of a "real" life. I thought about movies and TV and books. It seemed as if every thought imaginable was thought that night.

A few nights ago I had a dream that I went back in time. I think there was some sort of event we were going to. I was at my grandmother's house (my house) with some of my family. I think my mother and grandmother were there. Maybe some other people, but I couldn't make them out. I think we talked about something (I can't remember), but then Jennifer came through the back door. I vividly remember this. I remember her coming in with her smile radiating the room. Her glasses glinting in the light. Her black clothes new and clean. Her purse swung over her shoulder. Her hair short. Her body too thin. As soon as she entered, I quickly went toward her with a lump in my throat and grabbed her. I hugged her hard, but gentle. I held her close and kissed her cheek and then told her hair "I miss you so much." And then I cried. (As I am about to, now.) And then I woke up and realized it was a dream and cried even harder.

Last week or a couple weeks ago I had a few dreams about Junior (Christopher Junior, my brother's youngest.) and his older siblings (Krystal's other kids). The first one, Alex, Alexis and Junior were on Auntie Cry's front porch (we live in a duplex). All I remember of this dream is going to them and hugging them all.

The other dream last week was of just Junior and Alex. I think we were at Christopher's apartment, but I'm not sure. I think there were other people there, but I don't remember. I just remember playing with Alex and Junior, and we were going downstairs, and Alex fell and was crying, so I picked him up and hugged him and Junior.

And, the other day, after the Jenni dream, I finally had one about Antonio (Christopher's oldest). Again, it was on Auntie Crys's porch. My mother and I were sitting in chairs at the bottom of the steps and Tony was in Auntie Crys's chair on the porch. I forget what we were doing at first, but I remember flipping a quarter in the air, and Tony liked it, so I then flipped it to him and he laughed and picked it up. Then he flipped it back to me. Then I remember my mom trying to get him to say my name, but he was being too shy and didn't want to. He was saying other things, but I don't remember if they were intelligible or not, and then he finally said it and then I picked him up and hugged him.

And those are my family dreams.

I also had one the other night about meeting David Anders (Adam Monroe from Heroes, or Julian Sark from Alias). It's probably because I had watched the new Heroes before going to bed. Anyway, I went into some store. There was a bunch of framed art everywhere (that's all I could make out, but there was other stuff, too) and I noticed one of Adam Monroe and thought it was cool. Then I saw David Anders stocking stuff (yeah, I guess he worked there, and was selling art of himself...?) and didn't know who it was at first, but then walked over and realized it was him, so got really excited. I'm not sure what was said exactly, but it was something to the extent of "You're David Anders!" "Indeed I am." "I love you!" "Thank you." Heroes spoiler if not up to dateCollapse )

Anyway, the point of this entry is basically this: my medication has weird side effects. Thankfully I already have a Doctor's appointment on Monday. So I'll definitely bring all this up with him, then.

I guess I'll talk about my Wednesday.

I went to visit my brother at Garner Correctional Facility with my sister at 1pm. When we got there (an hour drive, quarter tank of gas one way) we found out we couldn't visit until six o'clock that day. Unfortunately no one told us this before, and though we had the visiting schedule, I was not aware of how to decipher it. So, naturally, we were pissed. It was to be her first time visiting. She really wanted to see him, and I wanted to see him again to tell him that Uncle Art got the job, so it's more likely he'll be able to get Chris's kids.

So, instead of waste the trip, we went to Brass Mills Center and did some shopping. I went to KB Toys because I was curious. I thought they'd all closed down. Nope. It looked the same. It made me nostalgic. I ended up buying a The Office Trivia Game. (I played it tonight with Amanda. Would be more fun with more people.) Then Carissa and I took some cute pictures in the booth. (Will scan and upload tomorrow, maybe?) Then we went looking for a backpack for her. We found one and bought it. Then we went to Barnes & Noble to look for some books. I found two of the Dexter series. Unfortunately, it's the first and third, so before I finish the first, I need to find the second.

I just started thinking of work. I think I have the chance to become Assistant Manager at the Manchester Parkade store. I keep thinking about it, because it'll be a raise and closer to home. But, at the same time, as tempting as it is, I want to stay at Vernon. I guess it's because it's familiar. I know the store. I know the movies. I know where everything is. I know our problems and faults. I know our policies. I know our customers. I know our employees. If I were to go to Parkade, I'd have to relearn everything. Another reason I think I don't want to go is after it's fixed up, I'll have nothing to do. There's always something to do at Vernon. Always some fixing and cleaning and regular work. Always. And I don't think I could handle the deadness of Parkade. I just wish Dan would transfer to Manchester, or step down to Shift Leader so I could get my rightful position.

So, as you've seen in my previous post, I've got some debt to deal with. It all seems pretty manageable. But, would be better if I had a raise. (OH! That reminds me. Adam said something about applying online for a promotion... I'm going to look into that...) Once my withdrawals are complete, I'm going to have to start paying off my student loans from Uconn. Not particularly looking for that, but the sooner the better, I guess. Instead of my previous plan of using my tax return for the credit cards, maybe I'll put it toward the loans.

I think I might get a seasonal job for a couple days a week to help with money. I should look into that soon.

I really need to clean my room. I should do that soon, too. Now that I have some extra time. I need a bookshelf for my books and DVDs, and some new CD shelves.

I need to start walking again. That's another good thing that would come of working at the Parkade... I miss walking to work and listening to music. I haven't worn headphones in... probably over a year?

I think I need a Hitch. Or someone/something to tell me how to meet/get girls. It's really tough. Especially when I spend all my time at work or home. I just don't know where to go, really. Or what to do, or how to talk. I don't know. I'm just really oblivious when it comes to that sort of stuff. I wish a girl would just come out and tell me exactly what to do. But I know that's not going to happen. I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing until the time is right?

Junior's so fucking cute. I should upload the pictures my mom gave me of the kids.

And, on that note, my brain is pretty empty, now. I think that's everything. But, I bet it'll find more things to think about when my head hits the pillow.

Toodles.
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Debt in chart form. [Oct. 23rd, 2008|10:06 am]
Rebecca
[mood |hopefulhopeful]



I think with my tax return, I'll pay off my Best Buy credit card, and if there's any left over, I'll put it toward ECHN. Then I'll try to pay off my Citi credit card. Then my car. The student loans (Stafford and Perkins) can wait 'til I'm out of school or get rich.
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Thought this was cool. [Oct. 23rd, 2008|09:56 am]
Rebecca
[mood |hothot]

Last.FMCollapse )
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Overcoming Gravity - October 22, 2008 [Oct. 22nd, 2008|10:09 pm]
Rebecca
[mood |depresseddepressed]

Overcoming Gravity - October 22, 2008
by Kyle Michaud

There's this emptiness that grows and grows,
pulling more of me into oblivion as time goes on.
As much as I mature and expand,
there's always this void pulling on my hand.
I try and I vie for sanity, medicating with pills,
and still I don't seem right, I'm decimating, shrilly
contemplating what's wrong, and what I need to do.
I need a plug, a cork for this vortex and some glue
to piece back together the parts of me that came
untethered. But I need a helping hand,
someone to hold my hand and put my fingers
back in place, and fix the holes within my face.
I need a second body to show me where the pieces go,
like the box of a puzzle, because without it, I'm a jumble,
a pile of jagged edges that cut and scar each other.
I need a gentle appendage to guide my scraps together.
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