Rebecca (justa_paperbag) wrote,

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I really miss Jenni.

I was driving home from Chris's house, tonight, and I got to thinking [and crying].

Jenni would've probably liked the movie [Disturbia]. I also thought, she might've liked Rocky Votolato [I was listening to him in the car]. Then I got to thinking about all of the stuff she's missed/is missing out on.

She probably would watch Heroes [and maybe Lost] with me, and Firefly [she was a huge Buffy/Angel fan].

Maybe we could've started reading that new K.A. Applegate series she wrote after Everworld. Maybe we would've found another book series or other books.

She probably would have her own computer. [They'd probalby still be in their awesome house.] She'd probably have a LiveJournal and a Myspace. We'd talk on AIM.

I'd tell her about music/movies/TV, she'd tell me.

And, I was also thinking about how [though, I don't know about any of this, - it's possible] maybe she never had a first kiss [with someone she actually loved] and etc... She never got to see Antonio. She never had her own car/got to drive [much]. She could've gotten her GED and gone to college.

I fucking miss her.

I was thinking about all of this while driving home. The tears blurred my vision. I kept thinking "I'm going to crash". And, I wanted to. And then that made me cry more/harder.

It's just not fair.
Not fucking fair at all.

I know she's never coming back.
But, that doesn't stop me from wishing it.
From wanting it.

I need to go to bed or watch a movie or play a game or do something to get my mind off of this right now.

Oh fuck.
I just wish it could've been me, at least.
You know? I mean, I would've given my life for hers.
I fucking love[d] her.

I would've given anything to be the one with the disease isntead of her.
She didn't deserve it.

If only Lacuna Inc. were real. I could erase her from my mind so I wouldn't constantly think about her and cry and want her back.

That may sound horrible and harsh, but it'd probably be easier/better that way.

It's just not fucking fair.

Yeah, it's been a little over four years already.
I should get over it?
I guess I just started accepting it.
When I was first told she was gone, I told my grandmother to shut up and I went back to sleep [she woke me up in the middle of the night]. I didn't believe her. I didn't want to believe her.
I couldn't believe it for the longest time.

I still can't completely believe it.
'Casue it feels that at any moment, she could come over [I can hear her cough. It must be real sad if I can still hear her cough.] and make fun of me and get Gramma to buy her something and have a fight with her mom. It just feels like nothing's happened. Though, I know plenty has.

God fucking damnit.
This hurts so fucking much. I hate it.
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