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Rebecca

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This is what I'm listening to, RIGHT NOW! [Jun. 2nd, 2017|11:24 am]
Rebecca
[mood |bouncybouncy]


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Wanna Go For Another Walk? [Jan. 24th, 2011|02:57 am]
Rebecca
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Home]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Do Make Say Think - If I Only...]

Seeing your face brings back the way it felt when we were close. (Yeah, we weren't even that close, but I like to romanticize.)

Nostalgia takes me back, has me relive it again. Sometimes I see only the good. Sometimes only the bad. Sometimes I see it all.

Lately, it's only been the good times. Whenever I see your picture, or read your name, time shifts 7 years earlier. Jesus Christ. It's been fucking seven years, already. I can still see you there, walking with me. I can still remember my adrenaline pumping because you were talking to me. I remember the nice things you said to me. I remember wanting to lean down and kiss you. Or at least hold you or your hand. Of course, I never did. I never had the guts, unless it was through a computer screen. I always dump my feelings out into cyber space. It seems safer, but it's not. It's less personal. Less of a chance to be taken seriously. Up close and personal is what I need. But, when I'm that close, all I can think of is not wanting to lose it. The closeness.

Back then, I was too creepy, too weird. I guess I still am. Romanticizing something that never really happened. Something that wasn't really there. That's what I always do. I don't know any other way. All I know is how to let the words flow from my mind, through my fingers, to the keys and onto the screen. I hardly filter myself, because I like to be open and honest. I like for people to know how I feel. But, I guess most times I let them know too much, too soon. I'm impatient in some ways.

I get scared of rejection, so I guess I figure if you're going to reject me later anyway, why not just get it over with now. It's easier to say, "Hey, I like you" online and get the immediate "I don’t like you," then it is to wait all that time. It's easier for me to sabotage something before it's even gotten a chance to become something. If I fuck it up by coming on too strong, I guess it's kind of better than me waiting and doing everything right and perfect and still having you say, "No thanks."

So, back then, I came on too strong. I wrote poetry about you and love. I didn't even know what love was. I still don't, really. I've never experienced it. I don't let myself get that far. Even knowing that I came on too strong, that's still how I am. When I think a girl is pretty or awesome, I get infatuated. I let her know. And when we seem to get to a place where we're comfortable talking with each other, I drop bombs like love poems or saying lame things like "I like you" and it all goes away.

I've probably lost some (what could be meaningful) friendships by coming on too strong, too fast, too weird, too creepy. Sure, I have them as friends on Facebook and occasionally comment on their stuff, but that doesn't really mean anything. Most of my interactions with people are through the internet. I hardly hang out with anyone. I still haven't quite figured out the whole social interaction thing. It's hard for me to talk to someone in person, because I'm always afraid I'll say the wrong thing. The great thing about talking to someone online is I get to think about what I want to say before I hit send. I get to read the words in my head and hear if they sound stupid. And even then, sometimes I let them go. I'm debating whether or not I should post this online.

Mindy told me the other night that I need to "RELAX, DUDE." And, she's right. I put too much thought and worry into everything. Always thinking if people will like me. Always wondering if I said something wrong. Always thinking of the right words to say. By the time I think of it, they're already talking about something else. I'm too caught up in my own head, it's hard to live, sometimes. To actually interact with someone. And just go with the flow.

It's not the end of the world if someone doesn't like me. And, most of the time, people probably wouldn't not like me. So, what do I really have to lose?

And, sure, I say stuff like that now, but what about when I meet someone new, or even hang out with someone I already know? At that point, will I remember back to this and think "Okay, I'll relax. I don't have anything to prove. I'll just be myself and talk with this person. I can do that." No. I'll be worried my hair is sticking up, or my fly is down. I'll be worried she'll catch me staring at her tits. I'll be worried I sound boring. I'll be worried she/they think I'm stupid. I'll be worried about what I do with my hands. I'll be worried about how I keep shifting in my seat (I CAN'T FUCKING SIT STILL, EVER). I'll be worried about what I said, what I'm saying and what I will say. How can I stop that? How can I relax? How can I interact with another human being?

And, why do you have to have such a beautiful smile? And, why can't I not be creepy while expressing that?

I think I'm just innately creepy. Maybe there's nothing I can do to change that. Who knows?

Wanna go for another walk?

(I was thinking about tagging you. But, you probably already know who you are. Sorry.)
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What up? [Jan. 20th, 2010|12:01 pm]
Rebecca
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]
[music |The Ataris - Looking Back on Today | Powered by Last.fm]

It's been a while. There's really not much to write about that I don't cover in Twitter/Facebook.

But, here goes:

I'm loving the apartment. Andrew's a good roommate. A couple weeks ago(?) I came home from work to a sexy photo shoot happening in my living room. Not a bad thing to come home to after a crappy day of work, right? :)

We still haven't gotten our $250 gift card for Best Buy from Cox, yet. I guess I'll wait 'til February to call, because the guy said after three months of service. We got it in November. Though, he did say we should get the form early to fill out and send in, or whatever.

I've been working and staying home and watching TV/Movies. Nothing too exciting. A few weeks ago a bunch of people from work went out to All Stars and we had some fun. I'm looking forward to Saturday (a bunch of people from all over are going to All Stars). Can't wait to play some more pool.

I went with Amanda to see Addicted last week. Played some pool with Vinny and some other people. Apparently if I learn a song on guitar, I can get up and play it with the band one of these days. :)

I'm getting $2000 back this year from taxes. Wicked awesome. Using it all toward my car loan, which will then make it only $400 or so I need to pay back, so I'll be all done with it in a couple months!!! Which then means I'll have $230 a month to use toward paying off my other debts!! First off will be my Citi card. I need to pay that off and get it out of my sight. Then Sears card.

Close to paying off the ambulance and MCC. Still got ~$2000 for hospital bills and ~$3000 for school loans.

I finally got everyone else off my phone plan, so now it's back to just me. No more worrying about getting money on time. I like.

Blockbuster brought back the tuition reimbursement program! And changed it, so it doesn't matter what your major is, they'll still reimburse you! So, I plan on going back to school soon! I can't wait. I'm gonna have to research and see how much it'll cost for one or two classes, and if I can have a payment plan and such. Maybe I'll go back for the Fall?

I went to visit Chris last week with my mom. It was good to see him. I can't wait 'til he's out. We used to hang out all the time, and I miss that. I hate what he's done, but I don't think he deserves what he's getting. Everyone should have a second chance. :/

It's been a while since I crushed on a girl. I need to meet some, soon. :)

Ummmm. That's it for now. Time to shower and go do laundry! (I exclaimed a lot, this entry!)

Hopefully Adam'll come over and see the apartment today and we can hang out.

Over and out.
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What's up? [Nov. 17th, 2009|11:45 pm]
Rebecca
[mood |awakeawake]

My life has been reduced to 140 characters per entry.

I no longer write long long journal entries.

I got an apartment with Andrew. It's wicked awesome.

After the holidays, I might be promoted back up to Assistant Manager.

Other than that, everything else is basically the same.
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ldksjf [Oct. 4th, 2009|12:58 pm]
Rebecca
[Current Location |United States, Connecticut, Manchester]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Weezer - Buddy Holly | Powered by Last.fm]

Oh oh and you're Mary Tyler Moore.

So fucking anxious. Haven't had a good night's sleep in a while. It's been hard to fall asleep, with my fucking legs constantly moving and shaking. Fuckkkkk. I think it's the new pills? I'll have to talk to the Doctor about it. But, I don't see him for a few more weeks. Maybe I'll tell the therapist.

Yeah, I'm seeing a therapist, finally. Had first meeting last week. Hopefully it'll be good. Though it means more billssss.

It looks like I might be staying at the Manchester Blockbuster for good.

I like the store. It's big and neat, but also has room for improvement.

I really really need to get my own place. I feel like that will help me start having a life. But, in order to do that, I need to get out of this debt. Or at least some of it. If I didn't have to pay my car loan anymore, I'd have lots more money. Maybe if I got a roommate? I should seriously start looking into this...

I need to stop buying unnecessary things, too. Like movies and such. I don't need to have things as soon as they come out. I can wait 'til I have extra money. I need to instill that in my head.

I can't wait 'til I can sign up for full time insurance so I can finally, AFTER A YEAR WITHOUT ANY, have some fucking insurance.

I also can't wait for my income tax check. I'm hoping it's a lot to take a chunk out of some of the debt. By the time it gets here, I'll have paid off MCC, the ambulance and maybeee my Sears card. We'll see. I'll most likely use it toward my car loan. 'Cause once that's gone, I'll have extra money every month I can use toward the other stuff like my Citi card and ECHN.

It'd just be so much easier if I had a rich relative die, or if I won the lottery.

I think I'll start up school again next Fall. Probably only one class, since I have to pay for it without financial aid. Hopefully they'll have payment plan options.

I wanna go back to high school.
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It's been a long time, eh? [Aug. 14th, 2009|02:05 pm]
Rebecca
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |United States, Connecticut, Manchester]
[mood |blankmixture]
[music |Incubus - Leech | Powered by Last.fm]

So... I haven't updated in a while.

A few weeks ago at work, I closed early because I was supposed to leave at six, but the closing manager called out, so I had to close the store (I'd been there since noon - we close at 11). The manager asked me if I could do it, as if I had a choice. I had called every store in our district to find coverage, but no one could do it. She said if I closed, they'd take one of my shifts later in the week away. I said I didn't want to because I had plans that night and just didn't want to do it, but said yeah, because there really wasn't any other choice, since no one else would come in...

So, around 7:30 or so, I asked my CSR if she thought we should close early. She said "definitely". So, I told the store manager, and she said no. I said if no one was there by 8, I'd close. She then said she spoke with the district manager and he said I could be fired for it. So, I closed the store at 8, ran the rest of the returns and left at 8:18 with the CSR.

I find out the next day that the CSR stayed there and waited for the store manager to come and close, who came TWO MINUTES AFTER I LEFT. And, so the district and store managers had a talk with me and decided to move me to another store as a SAM, still. So, for having the store closed for 20 minutes was grounds for me being transferred to another store in the district. The store manager didn't feel it was any concern of mine that she'd be there two minutes after I'd closed. She never thought to say "okay Kyle. I'll come around 8:30, so you don't need to close". No.

Complete bullshit.

Anyway... After that week, I took a week off. Then came back to work in Parkade. That was okay. Then I worked in East Hartford the beginning of this week, and today's my first day off since last Tuesday, because the SAM at Parkade has been calling out the past couple weeks.

So, I had a talk with Jeff (the district manager) yesterday, and he said I'd be getting a demotion on Monday to a full time Shift Leader. He still doesn't know where he's going to put me. He said I can't work at Vernon because Heidi doesn't want me there. (Which is complete bullshit, because we had a talk about what happened and seemed to work everything out and she said she'd talk to Jeff to see if I could stay there. So, either Jeff doesn't want me there, or she doesn't. Either way, it's just fucked up.)

I've been at Vernon for over two and a half years. It's my fucking store. I've been a manager there for most of that time. When I was a CSR, I was doing Shift Leader stuff. When I was a Shift Leader, I was doing Sales Manager/Store Manager stuff. That's MY STORE. And, they're kicking me out because of twenty fucking minutes THAT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF HEIDI TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO COME TO CLOSE THE STORE.

It angers me so much.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was sick of covering for everyone and doing everyone's work and not getting any credit or appreciation. So, yeah.

Now I'm helping close East Hartford, and work at Parkade.

If I can't go back to Vernon, maybe I'll go to Parkade, as Angel is most likely going to leave soon. Though, I guess I might not be able to, because my aunt works there. Which, is more bullshit, because I've worked with her a bunch of times before, and don't treat her any differently than any other employee. But, whatever.

They're probably going to just fire me after I'm done helping East Hartford and Parkade.

I hate this company.

So, there's that.

Brian, from work, owes me a bunch of money that I'm probably never going to see. And, my iPod I gave him as payment for something I no longer want to go to, because I doubt it'll actually happen, as most plans with him always fall through and he ends up keeping my money.

Erin, who used to work there, still has some of my DVDs she borrowed before she quit, and whenever I ask her about them, she ignores me. So, that's cool.

(I need to remember that Jon is borrowing my Watchmen book. And Adam has some DVDs. Alex has some CDs. Dan has a book and CDs. Casey has Drop Dead Fred. And, I'm not sure if anyone else has anything. IF YOU DO, CAN YOU LET ME KNOW? THANKS.)

I only owe:

$00000.00 for EMS.
$00200.00 for the ambulance.
$00400.00 for MCC.
$00503.00 for Sears card.
$00800.00 for Perkins loan (still haven't had anything telling me to pay this...)
$02401.22 for Citi card.
$02551.45 for Stafford loan.
$02650.00 for ECHN.
$03836.34 for my car loan.
----------------------
$13342.01 total owed.

Slowly getting there. I can't wait 'til I get my income tax check, to take care of one or some of those completely.

Not sure what else to say.

I started reading the Harry Potter books after seeing the latest film. On the fourth one now. 250 pages through, out of 734. Very long.

When I'm through with the series, I'm going to start on the Bourne series. Hopefully it's as good as the films. If not, I'll start something else.

The newest Dexter book is coming out soon. :) I have one reserved at Barnes & Noble.

I just bought Intelligent Qube from eBay, and played a little. Still as awesome as I remember.

I haven't been doing much lately, other than working, reading, watching TV/movies, going to the movies, and sleeping. That needs to change. But, there's not much time for anything with all of that going on. Haha.

Okay. I'm not sure what else to say, so that's it for now.

Ohhhhhh, next month = great TV. :)
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Poem from last year I just found. [Jul. 1st, 2009|02:51 am]
Rebecca
[Tags|]
[mood |creativecreative]
[music |Hivemind - Bingo Bango Bongo | Powered by Last.fm]

What Went Wrong? - December 22, 2008
by Kyle Michaud

Windows let you stare out,
the mirrors, in.
Magnets repulse and attract.
Opposites and symmetry rule
our asymmetrical lives.
The so-called perfections
are flawed to the extent
that we can all see what went wrong.
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Another Weird Dream. [Jun. 19th, 2009|12:59 pm]
Rebecca
[Tags|]
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |Doug Benson - Paul F. Tompkins and Sean Cullen guest | Powered by Last.fm]

Had a weird dream as usual. This girl I know was in this one. I don't remember how it happened, but she was in bed with someone and I took some pictures of her naked chest. Anyway, I remember taking pictures of stuff and then of her (beautiful) chest (I have a great imagination - never actually seen them*) and then I left and left my camera there. And then she and her friend or whoever came to my house with the camera and I was scared that they saw the pictures, but they didn't. And then they slept over. In my bed. Naked. Really weird. But I'm not complaining.

*(On second thought, it could also have something to do with Olivia Wilde's pictures in the new Maxim. That probably helped with the boobs.)
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listening to "Quarashi- Stick em up - " on Blip [May. 22nd, 2009|07:02 pm]
Rebecca
[music | Sti]

Like Darth Vader, I surprise you with my skills.
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listening to "Hey Mister - Custom" on Blip [May. 22nd, 2009|06:55 pm]
Rebecca
[music |Custom - Hey Mister]

I'd like to eat her like ice cream, maybe dip her in chocolate.
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listening to "Boys N Da Hood - Dynamite Hack" on Blip [May. 22nd, 2009|06:51 pm]
Rebecca
[music | Dynamite Hack - Boyz-n-the-Hood]

It's all about making that GTA.
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List of movies/TV series I own. [May. 17th, 2009|06:13 pm]
Rebecca
[mood |bouncyantsy]
[music |Silverstein - Last Days of Summer | Powered by Last.fm]

Movies!!



12 Monkeys
27 Dresses
40 Year Old Virgin , The
American Wedding
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Back To The Future Trilogy
Before the Devil Knows Your Dead
More behind the cut.Collapse )
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Two years ago. [Apr. 3rd, 2009|05:16 pm]
Rebecca
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |The Donnas - New Kid in School (in my head)]

http://justa-paperbag.livejournal.com/391639.html
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What I owe as of today. [Feb. 23rd, 2009|07:46 pm]
Rebecca
[mood |annoyedannoyed]



Oh, and my mom/her boyfriend owe me $150. And my aunt/uncle owe me $100.
But, they both suck very much so at paying me back.
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Sigh. Life is too complicated. [Jan. 17th, 2009|09:05 pm]
Rebecca
[music |Motion City Soundtrack - Indoor Living | Powered by Last.fm]

So, I need to get rid of all of my debt.

I just sent an e-mail to my insurance company, because apparently I don't have any insurance right now.

I owe thousands of dollars to Manchester Memorial Hospital for my stay.
I owe $460 for the ambulance.
And I still owe about $500-600 from 2007.

I have shitty insurance, and need to change it. (And, I need to stop hurting myself.)

I have five credit cards. Ugh. I need to pay off and cancel all of them.

My phone bill is $430. I have three other people on it. It's really frustrating and nerve-wracking. I wish I never added anyone. I need them to switch to their own plans as soon as possible. I can't handle this anymore.

Ah. I just sent them all a text saying they need to switch to their own accounts. Hopefully they'll do it.

Because of my hospital stay, I'm a little behind on some things. Like I missed my last car insurance payment, but my grandmother took care of it. And, I want to pay her back.

I need to get my pay raise from work, NOW. With retroactive pay. It'd help a lot. (of course, it's not enough, but it's still better than what I'm making now.)

I need to stop letting people borrow money. Especially when I don't have it.

I just can't wait 'til I get my refund from school (OH, AFTER THIS SEMESTER, I GET NO MORE FINANCIAL AID) and tax refund. That'll help get rid of some of this shit. I plan on paying off one or two credit cards and probably just paying on the others.

Um. Yeah. I hate money. That's it.
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