| My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth. |
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| What's up? |
[17 Nov 2009|11:45pm] |
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My life has been reduced to 140 characters per entry.
I no longer write long long journal entries.
I got an apartment with Andrew. It's wicked awesome.
After the holidays, I might be promoted back up to Assistant Manager.
Other than that, everything else is basically the same.
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| ldksjf |
[04 Oct 2009|12:58pm] |
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Oh oh and you're Mary Tyler Moore.
So fucking anxious. Haven't had a good night's sleep in a while. It's been hard to fall asleep, with my fucking legs constantly moving and shaking. Fuckkkkk. I think it's the new pills? I'll have to talk to the Doctor about it. But, I don't see him for a few more weeks. Maybe I'll tell the therapist.
Yeah, I'm seeing a therapist, finally. Had first meeting last week. Hopefully it'll be good. Though it means more billssss.
It looks like I might be staying at the Manchester Blockbuster for good.
I like the store. It's big and neat, but also has room for improvement.
I really really need to get my own place. I feel like that will help me start having a life. But, in order to do that, I need to get out of this debt. Or at least some of it. If I didn't have to pay my car loan anymore, I'd have lots more money. Maybe if I got a roommate? I should seriously start looking into this...
I need to stop buying unnecessary things, too. Like movies and such. I don't need to have things as soon as they come out. I can wait 'til I have extra money. I need to instill that in my head.
I can't wait 'til I can sign up for full time insurance so I can finally, AFTER A YEAR WITHOUT ANY, have some fucking insurance.
I also can't wait for my income tax check. I'm hoping it's a lot to take a chunk out of some of the debt. By the time it gets here, I'll have paid off MCC, the ambulance and maybeee my Sears card. We'll see. I'll most likely use it toward my car loan. 'Cause once that's gone, I'll have extra money every month I can use toward the other stuff like my Citi card and ECHN.
It'd just be so much easier if I had a rich relative die, or if I won the lottery.
I think I'll start up school again next Fall. Probably only one class, since I have to pay for it without financial aid. Hopefully they'll have payment plan options.
I wanna go back to high school.
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| It's been a long time, eh? |
[14 Aug 2009|02:05pm] |
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So... I haven't updated in a while.
A few weeks ago at work, I closed early because I was supposed to leave at six, but the closing manager called out, so I had to close the store (I'd been there since noon - we close at 11). The manager asked me if I could do it, as if I had a choice. I had called every store in our district to find coverage, but no one could do it. She said if I closed, they'd take one of my shifts later in the week away. I said I didn't want to because I had plans that night and just didn't want to do it, but said yeah, because there really wasn't any other choice, since no one else would come in...
So, around 7:30 or so, I asked my CSR if she thought we should close early. She said "definitely". So, I told the store manager, and she said no. I said if no one was there by 8, I'd close. She then said she spoke with the district manager and he said I could be fired for it. So, I closed the store at 8, ran the rest of the returns and left at 8:18 with the CSR.
I find out the next day that the CSR stayed there and waited for the store manager to come and close, who came TWO MINUTES AFTER I LEFT. And, so the district and store managers had a talk with me and decided to move me to another store as a SAM, still. So, for having the store closed for 20 minutes was grounds for me being transferred to another store in the district. The store manager didn't feel it was any concern of mine that she'd be there two minutes after I'd closed. She never thought to say "okay Kyle. I'll come around 8:30, so you don't need to close". No.
Complete bullshit.
Anyway... After that week, I took a week off. Then came back to work in Parkade. That was okay. Then I worked in East Hartford the beginning of this week, and today's my first day off since last Tuesday, because the SAM at Parkade has been calling out the past couple weeks.
So, I had a talk with Jeff (the district manager) yesterday, and he said I'd be getting a demotion on Monday to a full time Shift Leader. He still doesn't know where he's going to put me. He said I can't work at Vernon because Heidi doesn't want me there. (Which is complete bullshit, because we had a talk about what happened and seemed to work everything out and she said she'd talk to Jeff to see if I could stay there. So, either Jeff doesn't want me there, or she doesn't. Either way, it's just fucked up.)
I've been at Vernon for over two and a half years. It's my fucking store. I've been a manager there for most of that time. When I was a CSR, I was doing Shift Leader stuff. When I was a Shift Leader, I was doing Sales Manager/Store Manager stuff. That's MY STORE. And, they're kicking me out because of twenty fucking minutes THAT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF HEIDI TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO COME TO CLOSE THE STORE.
It angers me so much.
Yeah, I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was sick of covering for everyone and doing everyone's work and not getting any credit or appreciation. So, yeah.
Now I'm helping close East Hartford, and work at Parkade.
If I can't go back to Vernon, maybe I'll go to Parkade, as Angel is most likely going to leave soon. Though, I guess I might not be able to, because my aunt works there. Which, is more bullshit, because I've worked with her a bunch of times before, and don't treat her any differently than any other employee. But, whatever.
They're probably going to just fire me after I'm done helping East Hartford and Parkade.
I hate this company.
So, there's that.
Brian, from work, owes me a bunch of money that I'm probably never going to see. And, my iPod I gave him as payment for something I no longer want to go to, because I doubt it'll actually happen, as most plans with him always fall through and he ends up keeping my money.
Erin, who used to work there, still has some of my DVDs she borrowed before she quit, and whenever I ask her about them, she ignores me. So, that's cool.
(I need to remember that Jon is borrowing my Watchmen book. And Adam has some DVDs. Alex has some CDs. Dan has a book and CDs. Casey has Drop Dead Fred. And, I'm not sure if anyone else has anything. IF YOU DO, CAN YOU LET ME KNOW? THANKS.)
I only owe:
$00000.00 for EMS.
$00200.00 for the ambulance.
$00400.00 for MCC.
$00503.00 for Sears card.
$00800.00 for Perkins loan (still haven't had anything telling me to pay this...)
$02401.22 for Citi card.
$02551.45 for Stafford loan.
$02650.00 for ECHN.
$03836.34 for my car loan.
----------------------
$13342.01 total owed.
Slowly getting there. I can't wait 'til I get my income tax check, to take care of one or some of those completely.
Not sure what else to say.
I started reading the Harry Potter books after seeing the latest film. On the fourth one now. 250 pages through, out of 734. Very long.
When I'm through with the series, I'm going to start on the Bourne series. Hopefully it's as good as the films. If not, I'll start something else.
The newest Dexter book is coming out soon. :) I have one reserved at Barnes & Noble.
I just bought Intelligent Qube from eBay, and played a little. Still as awesome as I remember.
I haven't been doing much lately, other than working, reading, watching TV/movies, going to the movies, and sleeping. That needs to change. But, there's not much time for anything with all of that going on. Haha.
Okay. I'm not sure what else to say, so that's it for now.
Ohhhhhh, next month = great TV. :)
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| Poem from last year I just found. |
[01 Jul 2009|02:51am] |
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What Went Wrong? - December 22, 2008
by Kyle Michaud
Windows let you stare out,
the mirrors, in.
Magnets repulse and attract.
Opposites and symmetry rule
our asymmetrical lives.
The so-called perfections
are flawed to the extent
that we can all see what went wrong.
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| Another Weird Dream. |
[19 Jun 2009|12:59pm] |
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Had a weird dream as usual. This girl I know was in this one. I don't remember how it happened, but she was in bed with someone and I took some pictures of her naked chest. Anyway, I remember taking pictures of stuff and then of her (beautiful) chest (I have a great imagination - never actually seen them*) and then I left and left my camera there. And then she and her friend or whoever came to my house with the camera and I was scared that they saw the pictures, but they didn't. And then they slept over. In my bed. Naked. Really weird. But I'm not complaining.
*(On second thought, it could also have something to do with Olivia Wilde's pictures in the new Maxim. That probably helped with the boobs.)
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| What I owe as of today. |
[23 Feb 2009|07:46pm] |
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Oh, and my mom/her boyfriend owe me $150. And my aunt/uncle owe me $100.
But, they both suck very much so at paying me back.
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| Sigh. Life is too complicated. |
[17 Jan 2009|09:05pm] |
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So, I need to get rid of all of my debt.
I just sent an e-mail to my insurance company, because apparently I don't have any insurance right now.
I owe thousands of dollars to Manchester Memorial Hospital for my stay.
I owe $460 for the ambulance.
And I still owe about $500-600 from 2007.
I have shitty insurance, and need to change it. (And, I need to stop hurting myself.)
I have five credit cards. Ugh. I need to pay off and cancel all of them.
My phone bill is $430. I have three other people on it. It's really frustrating and nerve-wracking. I wish I never added anyone. I need them to switch to their own plans as soon as possible. I can't handle this anymore.
Ah. I just sent them all a text saying they need to switch to their own accounts. Hopefully they'll do it.
Because of my hospital stay, I'm a little behind on some things. Like I missed my last car insurance payment, but my grandmother took care of it. And, I want to pay her back.
I need to get my pay raise from work, NOW. With retroactive pay. It'd help a lot. (of course, it's not enough, but it's still better than what I'm making now.)
I need to stop letting people borrow money. Especially when I don't have it.
I just can't wait 'til I get my refund from school (OH, AFTER THIS SEMESTER, I GET NO MORE FINANCIAL AID) and tax refund. That'll help get rid of some of this shit. I plan on paying off one or two credit cards and probably just paying on the others.
Um. Yeah. I hate money. That's it.
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| Fuck. |
[07 Jan 2009|09:44pm] |
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| A Long December. |
[26 Dec 2008|01:42pm] |
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A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Oh the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would
(Na na na, etc. yeah)
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California
I think you should
(Na na na, etc. yeah)
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean
I guess I should
(Na na na, etc. yeah)
----
So, went back to the program today. (I'm really anxious right now, as I was last night.)
Talked with the psychiatrist. We made a deal that I'd up the dosage of Seraquel and see how I do on that, and if I get to the point where I think I might do something, I should go to the ER or call someone or something.
He thinks it's a good idea to go to the hospital if I have a plan of killing myself, but I really don't. They're always impulsive and spur-of-the-moment things.
So, I'm going to try the medication and group therapy, though I'd love individual therapy.
Hopefully something gets done. All I have is hope.
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| ...When things get bad. I tell him, "son, never throw the first punch." |
[24 Dec 2008|05:38pm] |
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So. Life.
On Thursday night, after a stressful shift at work, I apparently tried to kill myself. I took 30 pills of Klonopin and tried to cut my wrist again.
I'm telling you this because if you're reading this you're my friend. And, if you're my friend, I believe you deserve to know what's happening in my life, especially moments like this.
I'm not completely sure why I did it. As you all probably know, I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety/Social Anxiety. I guess things just got to me, hit me and knocked me over and I wasn't able to stand back up.
There's my debt, my dropping out of classes, the stressful work, the lack of friends, the lack of love, the lack of support, the car problems, the family problems, the deaths, and the depression/anxiety itself.
All of that must've combined, but instead of Captain Planet coming, the suicide attempt did.
I was in the hospital from Friday (I went to sleep after taking the pills and don't remember anything up until probably around Friday night or Saturday morning) 'til this afternoon.
I don't think the hospital helped the way it intended to. I was obviously safe from myself (though, if I really wanted to, I could've done something) and we had some therapy sessions, but I don't remember any of them. I was pretty much zonked out most of the time. But, when I wasn't, I socialized. There was my roommate and this other guy. We played cards a lot and chess and other games and just talked. It was nice. And there were a couple of girls, too. I talked with one of them about movies and stuff and she seemed pretty cool. She said she was thirty, but she looked at most 25. I think all of us are going to go to a used bookstore one of these days. I need to contact them.
I guess the doing nothing really helped me. I had no stress, no anxiety. I just woke up, ate and slept, and sometimes in between I'd socialize.
A lot of people thought I should stay there longer, but I wanted to come home. I wanted to see my nephews and niece. And I missed my bed. And the internet.
On Friday, I'm going to go back to the Partial Hospital Program (I actually started going last Thursday) and get reevaluated. If they deem it necessary, I'll be readmitted to the hospital. If not, I'll continue to go to the program. Then after the program, I'll see a therapist. I think I really need that.
I really don't like the medication. It makes me tired and out of it most of the time.
A good thing that came out of what happened is that I wrote some poetry. I'll post them in Facebook.
PS. No Heroes this week? Uggghhh. I think I have to wait 'til January. Sucks. I still love Peter.
But, ( Spoiler? )
I wanna have a Heroes marathon. And Lost. And Kyle XY.
I'm going to clean my room, paint it, rearrange it and make space for a chair/small couch so I can have company over. So, when that happens, I'll invite some of you over for these marathons. :)
What are you doing for Christmas?
PPS. Does anyone even read these? 'Cause (not that I'm writing just for the attention, but if it were me, I'd respond) from the last entry explaining my previous attempt, I figured I'd get at least one response of someone saying something like "aw" at least. I don't know.
I need someone to help me write. kyle.michaud@gmail.com if you want to help. Just e-mail me and say "I want to help" and we can get together and write.
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| School. |
[15 Dec 2008|02:48am] |
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So, I registered for next semester. Only three classes.
My last semester to receive financial aid. After this, I'll have to pay. :(
I'm taking:
Quantitative Literacy: Tues/Thurs @ 2-3:20
Western Civilization I: Tues @ 7-9:50
Creative Writing: Poetry: Wed @ 7-9:50
What's awesome is I've had all these professors before. Two were the same class that I dropped before (Western Civ and Poetry).
Hopefully I can handle it this time. Western Civ should be relatively easy since I took almost 2/3 of the course last semester.
In other news, I'm seeing a psychiatrist. And, hopefully soon a therapist.
Also, the psychiatrist put me on new medication, and it must've fucked me up, 'cause I tried to kill myself. :X
I know I probably shouldn't put that in here, but I figured all my friends should know what happened.
It's nothing too bad, so I'm fine physically.
I'm going to try to go back to the Partial Hospital Intensive Outpatient Program at ECHN. I'm going tomorrow to see if my insurance will cover, or how much it'll be without it.
I recently fell in love with The Faint. I have Fasciinatiion but want all their albums.
We're doing Secret Santa at work. I already got my person their gift and know what the person who got me is getting me. Everyone knows who has who, so it's really no secret. But, it's still fun.
Oh, and apparently, late fees are coming back to Blockbuster. Well, only certain test stores (mine). I have a meeting about it tomorrow to get all the details, so I'll post them after the meeting. From what I've heard already, it's similar to Red Box and Hollywood Video's terms. Pick either 1 day for 2.99 or 5 days for 3.99 and it's .99 for each additional day and after ten days, it sells to you. And the older movies are .99 with .19 each additional day. And there are Classics that will be 1.99 and I think .99 each additional day.
Money's tight. I need to stop spending so much. And stop getting credit cards. :X I just got two more.
But, since I'm broke, I need one to fix my car.
I'm tired.
Oh! I need someone to write with me. To help edit/write my screenplay(s) and help me put it/them to film.
kyle.michaud@gmail.com or 860-906-4091
PS. RIP Jen. 07/06/1983-12/15/2002 :( <3
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| I Want You So Bad - December 2, 2008 |
[02 Dec 2008|01:03am] |
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The Used in my head |
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I Want You So Bad - December 2, 2008
by Kyle Michaud
I want you so bad,
but what would I do
if I had you?
There's a first time for
everything,
and my first time is
overdue.
I'd go to you if you
couldn't come to me,
I'd call you, even
despite my fears.
I want you so bad,
I might just change
my act.
It's hard to tell you,
but it's probably
common knowledge.
But, still, it feels
like I'm standing
out on a ledge.
Just waiting, to fall
or be grabbed back to
safety.
I want you so bad,
my heart's trying to
race me.
I want you so bad,
but I don't know
how to get you.
I want you so bad,
but this is probably
too much for you.
When I feel like this,
when it gets to me this
way,
it's hard to find the
right words to say,
so, instead, I write
my words into poetry
and talk to you
anonymously.
But, I want you so bad,
I'll take my chances.
Maybe you'll like this
and we can start our
romancing.
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| Try this. :) |
[30 Nov 2008|05:04pm] |
1. Answer each of the questions below using the Flickr Search engine.
2. Choose a photo from the first three pages.
3. Copy the URL of your favorite photo into this site: http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php
4. Share!
1. Alone in the Cold: For Kyle, 2. Hot enough to fry an egg, 3. Case Mountain, 4. ~ Light ~, 5. Zooey Deschanel, 6. Oxbow Bend Silken Glass, 7. 'So what are you doing this Australia Day ?', 8. once bitten, 9. Fly a kite and toss your worries to the wind, 10. Love Is Light, 11. The last rose, 12. ...just a paper bag
1. Name: Kyle
2. Favorite food: Eggs
3. Hometown: Manchester, CT
4. Favorite color: Light blue
5. Celebrity crush: Zooey Deschanel
6. Favorite drink: Water
7. Dream vacation: Australia
8. Favorite dessert: Reese's
9. What I want to be when I grow up: Film maker
10. What I love most in the world: Love
11. One word that describes me: Hopeful
12. My username: just a paper bag
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| workeatsleep |
[23 Nov 2008|10:34pm] |
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A Great Big Pile of Leaves - workeatsleep |
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workeatsleep by A Great Big Pile of Leaves
Need to eat,
need to sleep, I
need to eat,
need to make money!
Work, eat, work, eat, sleep.
Well I'm doing that,
but I need to leave,
I need to read,
anything.
No time to eat,
no time to sleep, no
time to eat,
trying to make money!
Work, eat, work, eat, sleep.
But I'm tired of sleep,
in the time that I'm free.
There's no time to read,
anything.
Work, eat, sleep.
Work, eat, sleep.
Work, eat, sleep.
Work, eat, work, eat, sleep.
Early morning,
bumper car driving,
speak through cursing,
when I'm just trying to sing.
Get out of bed!
Get out of bed!
Get out of bed!
But where's the energy?
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